AUCKLAND
As we started our descent into Auckland, my eyes welled up.
I was so excited about this trip and so was my dad when I last talked to him. And we had just barely laid him to rest and here I was about to go on “vacation”. Nothing about this, however, felt like vacation. I felt a harrowing sense of anxiety about being in a different country on the complete opposite side of the globe from my surviving family. I felt an overwhelming sense of grief at the fact that I couldn’t call my dad and tell him I landed and update him on my arrival and excitement. I felt a crippling sense of hollowness where I know my excitement and joy should have been.
As I walked off the aircraft and through this airport that was so dear to me, I walked by the international connections exit and felt this urge to run through and fly right back home. But numbly, one foot in front of the other, I kept at the path and direction I was headed in.
Eyes full of tears, it was clear to anyone looking that I really going through it. I walked past a ton of concerned looking faces, until the biosecurity border control officer finally stopped me as I was about to exit and asked me if I was ok. And I was not. I told her. Cuz that’s all I could do, honour him by tell the truth and not withholding in the ruse of maintaining decorum, which was clearly slipping through my fingers. More sympathy and concern.. None of it- the concern, the sympathy, the condolences seemed to be helping.
I finally saw Laura and Uncle Von, and my heart tightened up a little more. A reaction I didn’t quite understand. I held it together, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to stop the tears free flowing. I did not look around on the drive, let the joy of my surroundings wash over me— I just focused on one spot to try and control my emotions. Once I was in the safety of the bedroom, I curled up on the bed in fetal position and let it out. I cried, with Laura wrapped around me until I went numb. This felt like a mistake to be here. It was going to ruin Laura’s vacation too.
I just cant seem to cross this chasm the absence of dad left behind to make it to the other side towards my new reality. I just cant even imagine what that existence will be like without my number one fan and cheerleader celebrating every little thing that lit up my face. Who will i celebrate with now? Who is going to fill the spot of my unrelenting cheerleader? Thinking about all the things that he was to me that no one will ever be again would start the journey of tears again as though the wound was brand new and fresh all over again. Why wont the crying slow down.. I thought numbness would kick in and everything would go still and silent.. but this volatility is more painful than anything I’ve experienced before.
I cried myself to sleep in the middle of the day, after having slept for 3/4ths of the flight, because I was just so exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been feeling for a week. When I finally woke up, it was to Uncle Von’s freshly baked Ginger, Rosemary and Cheese scones that we ate with tomatoes from Aunt Jo’s garden and some avocado. The scones made with such tenderness, and freshness of the vegetables gave me vital life force it seemed, but it also poured some warmth into my hurt. I was able to smile as we reminisced and shared stories- some about my dad, some about our past travels and some about future travels. A little kernel of hope was ignited.
We later went for ramen, since me and Laura are gluttons for noodles at Ajisen Ramen— but as it turns out, so is Jo. We had a nice meal, and talked about my upcoming tattoo with Tritoan. Jo was lightly roasting me for my lack of self awareness at my physical limitations when it comes to outdoor activites... and about putting myself into situations such as planning hikes, 40k bike rides and water activities in the same week I get a massive tattoo. Clearly I hadn’t thought it through.. but I rarely ever do.
We followed up the meal with a sunset walk along the beach. It was a gorgeous cotton candy sky and I was reminded why I love this place. We walked along the beach, collecting seashells and taking a few photos. While my heart is heavy, today was a much gentler day than I’ve had in the past 10 days. It just might be exactly what my soul needed.
